The infirmary's feeling a bit more empty these days, don't you think?
[She has no idea how to approach the fact that both Leonard and Law are now gone. She knows the loss of someone close to Rosi has to hurt, and doesn't want to make light out of it, but also doesn't want to force him to talk feelings if he's not ready yet.]
[There's a couple minutes of nothing before he finally replies. It's easy to ignore messages right now, but he's glad to hear from Clara. She's always been a comfort to him.
He deletes a few attempts at responses before deciding on something.]
Better pack some gauze and antiseptic in everyone's kits. Guess that'll have to be enough to tie people back together with our surgeons gone.
Sorry, that's too deadpan to be funny. I don't know what to do, Clara.
Done that already. Punched a wall so hard Marta had to come running and make sure I was okay.
[Okay in fairness he didn't go to the sunlight room to scream. It's pretty easy to yell all you want from the comfort of your own room if nobody can hear you. He just hadn't bothered silencing the impact of his fist.]
What I want to do is start throwing those fucking orbs out a window one by one until they explain themselves.
That is tempting. Not too sure Viveca and Degar would let that happen, though. And I don't think I'd let you put yourself at risk.
And the thing is, the Doctor's gone now too. So I was planning on doing some screaming of my own. If you wanted to join me, I definitely wouldn't mind.
[Oh, well... Maybe he can drag himself over there. For her. He shouldn't be sitting here moping like he's the only one who lost someone, that isn't right.]
[He takes the time to wash his face and re-wrap his bandaged hand before he makes his way over. He sits down in the grass beside her with a huff, then snaps his fingers, encasing them both in a cozy bubble of silence.]
Sorry to hear your Doctor's gone, too. I liked that last world. Felt good to be somewhere pleasant. Go figure that we get back and suddenly we're missing so many people.
[He's been so wrapped up in his own woes that he hadn't actually noticed the Doctor's departure, and his immediate reaction isn't even to feel bad but to wonder which one. Decides he's not going to ask, though, because even when he feels like shit, he doesn't have to be his inner asshole to everyone around him.]
[She smiles a little at the fact that he's enclosed them in their own little quiet space, and she doesn't say anything at first after he speaks. She just reaches over to press her hand over his bandaged one, taking great care to be gentle.]
It's the nature of a place like this. Eventually deals are going to be fulfilled and people are going to go. I can only hope that whatever Law and the Doctor were here for, they were able to get in the end.
[When she does speak up, her words are very carefully chosen and sound deliberately even. Like she's trying to project that she's fine and not at all hurting.]
That's my hope too. That they did enough. That their lives are better for it now.
[Of course, he's heard insinuations that not everyone who leaves gets to go home because they completed their deals, and how could any of them really know? Someone could probably ask for the deal to be dropped and be sent back with no changes. Law wouldn't do that to him without letting him know first, though, surely, so he can rule that out quickly.
Alternatively, the orbs can just... send people wherever, probably. Send people back for their own reasons. Maybe they don't, but he's not as sure as some people seem to be that they follow their own rules to the letter. They're constantly in pursuit of chaos and suffering, after all.
But these are the same thoughts that have already been going round and round in his head all day, and more of that won't change anything. He reaches his thumb to stroke Clara's fingers where they're closest.]
Did he ever tell you what it was he wanted to change?
[She keeps her answer brief and to the point. The more she talks, the more likely she is to crumble. And she can't have that happening. As it is, her lip trembles and her voice cracks, and she has to look away so he doesn't see the tears in her eyes.]
If he wanted me to know, he would've told me. And I knew better than to press.
[It's not as simple as just hoping his life is better now because he was here. The Doctor, that specific Doctor, hated being here. And she thinks he hated what this place turned her into.]
[Ah, damn. He hadn't meant to upset her more, he'd hoped to help her reflect on the possibility of a positive outcome. But for a man like him, with centuries of life beyond anything they've ever seen, maybe his regrets and joys and sorrows are all the sort of thing they might not quite comprehend. Or, well, who knows. He can't really even guess.
He squeezes Clara's hand in his. It's only a mild sort of sting, tolerable enough to push through and remind her that at least they still have each other. And then he frowns up at the sky before drooping his other arm across his eyes. He can tell he's going to cry too if he talks too much on any of these topics, but she shouldn't suffer alone.]
Law said he wanted to make sure I... That we both escaped together. He didn't really go into the details of what he had planned to make that happen. That guy's always finding a way to make me worry about him.
[She's grateful for the comfort he provides, and realizes that maybe she hasn't let herself be open and vulnerable around him before. She's tried so hard to be strong and seem capable in front of him, and probably comes across as so weak right now. But he doesn't make a big deal out of it, and that's enough to feel a little weight come off her shoulders.]
People like us, we're always gonna worry about everyone we care about.
[Pausing, she lets a few tears fall, and turns her head so she can look at him. There isn't any shame in crying, she reminds herself.]
[He frowns, then lifts his arm just enough to turn his head and look at her as well. It's a gentle sort of frown - one out of concern, likewise, for her.]
I got more time with him than I would have otherwise. I know he lived, and grew up. That's worth a lot to me.
[Doesn't even encapsulate a fraction of the thoughts in his head, but if he goes on at length he definitely will start crying, and he's going to try and hold off at least a few seconds longer. For someone so good at controlling the emotions he shows most of the time, he sure does get overwhelmed by them easily when they're this strong, but he has to try.]
[She knows there's really no amount of comfort she can try to provide him right now that won't feel empty and meaningless. Loss is something that everyone has to sort through in their own way.]
I don't know how things end for the Doctor. Not the one that left, anyway.
[And that's the heartbreaking part, she thinks. The not knowing. Did he leave knowing how much she cares for him? How loved he is? Does he know what a good man he's capable of being?]
And I suppose with the way things will end up going between the two of us back home, it's for the best he doesn't stay here any longer than he did.
[Maybe if she says that out loud enough times, she'll start to believe it. Her tears say otherwise, though.]
[She almost deflects, like she would've so many other times in the past. But she likes to think he's a good friend by now, someone she can trust. It's okay to show some weakness here. He's not going to take advantage of anything.]
I die, and the Doctor goes against everything he stands for to save me.
[the truth is accompanied by a tiny shrug, and she can't bring herself to look up and over at him.]
I have to block his memories of me when I realized we were too dangerous together. That we'd both go to extremes in order to stay together. A bond like that...love like that, it isn't healthy. Or safe, not for the rest of the universe.
[That actually gives him a chill. It ripples down his spine. There's still a lot he doesn't know about the Doctor, because the man hides so much so well, and so all he can do is imagine what kind of ferocity he's capable of in such a circumstance.
He can certainly identify with the Doctor's reaction, but on a scale that he can only assume is vastly smaller. He hurt and even killed people to keep Law safe, but imagining the universe in all its entirety to be put under threat by a single person desperate to save someone he loves is... difficult in a way he can't put words to. It sounds mythical. The dangers of a god who falls in love with a human.
Though he keeps one hand around Clara's, he raises the other to run it through his bangs with a sigh.]
I don't know many people who would have the strength to make a sacrifice like that. It's hard for me to even grasp the scale of it. I'm so sorry, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; un: stargirl
[She has no idea how to approach the fact that both Leonard and Law are now gone. She knows the loss of someone close to Rosi has to hurt, and doesn't want to make light out of it, but also doesn't want to force him to talk feelings if he's not ready yet.]
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He deletes a few attempts at responses before deciding on something.]
Better pack some gauze and antiseptic in everyone's kits. Guess that'll have to be enough to tie people back together with our surgeons gone.
Sorry, that's too deadpan to be funny. I don't know what to do, Clara.
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[after all, the Doctor's gone now too. She gets it.]
But I'm not sure there's any sort of right thing you should be doing right now. We can go to the sunlight room and you can scream, if you like.
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[Okay in fairness he didn't go to the sunlight room to scream. It's pretty easy to yell all you want from the comfort of your own room if nobody can hear you. He just hadn't bothered silencing the impact of his fist.]
What I want to do is start throwing those fucking orbs out a window one by one until they explain themselves.
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And the thing is, the Doctor's gone now too. So I was planning on doing some screaming of my own. If you wanted to join me, I definitely wouldn't mind.
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All right. Give me a few minutes.
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[And he'll find her sprawled out in the sunlight room in the grass, laying back and staring up blankly at the "sky" overhead.]
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Sorry to hear your Doctor's gone, too. I liked that last world. Felt good to be somewhere pleasant. Go figure that we get back and suddenly we're missing so many people.
[He's been so wrapped up in his own woes that he hadn't actually noticed the Doctor's departure, and his immediate reaction isn't even to feel bad but to wonder which one. Decides he's not going to ask, though, because even when he feels like shit, he doesn't have to be his inner asshole to everyone around him.]
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It's the nature of a place like this. Eventually deals are going to be fulfilled and people are going to go. I can only hope that whatever Law and the Doctor were here for, they were able to get in the end.
[When she does speak up, her words are very carefully chosen and sound deliberately even. Like she's trying to project that she's fine and not at all hurting.]
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[Of course, he's heard insinuations that not everyone who leaves gets to go home because they completed their deals, and how could any of them really know? Someone could probably ask for the deal to be dropped and be sent back with no changes. Law wouldn't do that to him without letting him know first, though, surely, so he can rule that out quickly.
Alternatively, the orbs can just... send people wherever, probably. Send people back for their own reasons. Maybe they don't, but he's not as sure as some people seem to be that they follow their own rules to the letter. They're constantly in pursuit of chaos and suffering, after all.
But these are the same thoughts that have already been going round and round in his head all day, and more of that won't change anything. He reaches his thumb to stroke Clara's fingers where they're closest.]
Did he ever tell you what it was he wanted to change?
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[She keeps her answer brief and to the point. The more she talks, the more likely she is to crumble. And she can't have that happening. As it is, her lip trembles and her voice cracks, and she has to look away so he doesn't see the tears in her eyes.]
If he wanted me to know, he would've told me. And I knew better than to press.
[It's not as simple as just hoping his life is better now because he was here. The Doctor, that specific Doctor, hated being here. And she thinks he hated what this place turned her into.]
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He squeezes Clara's hand in his. It's only a mild sort of sting, tolerable enough to push through and remind her that at least they still have each other. And then he frowns up at the sky before drooping his other arm across his eyes. He can tell he's going to cry too if he talks too much on any of these topics, but she shouldn't suffer alone.]
Law said he wanted to make sure I... That we both escaped together. He didn't really go into the details of what he had planned to make that happen. That guy's always finding a way to make me worry about him.
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People like us, we're always gonna worry about everyone we care about.
[Pausing, she lets a few tears fall, and turns her head so she can look at him. There isn't any shame in crying, she reminds herself.]
And right now, I'm worried about you.
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[He frowns, then lifts his arm just enough to turn his head and look at her as well. It's a gentle sort of frown - one out of concern, likewise, for her.]
I got more time with him than I would have otherwise. I know he lived, and grew up. That's worth a lot to me.
[Doesn't even encapsulate a fraction of the thoughts in his head, but if he goes on at length he definitely will start crying, and he's going to try and hold off at least a few seconds longer. For someone so good at controlling the emotions he shows most of the time, he sure does get overwhelmed by them easily when they're this strong, but he has to try.]
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I don't know how things end for the Doctor. Not the one that left, anyway.
[And that's the heartbreaking part, she thinks. The not knowing. Did he leave knowing how much she cares for him? How loved he is? Does he know what a good man he's capable of being?]
And I suppose with the way things will end up going between the two of us back home, it's for the best he doesn't stay here any longer than he did.
[Maybe if she says that out loud enough times, she'll start to believe it. Her tears say otherwise, though.]
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[They must be quite the sight, crying in a heap here. He turns onto his side to face her and squeezes her hand.]
Is it all right if I ask what happens at home?
[Not that he'll be able to do anything about it, but maybe he can try and help her come to terms with it.]
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I die, and the Doctor goes against everything he stands for to save me.
[the truth is accompanied by a tiny shrug, and she can't bring herself to look up and over at him.]
I have to block his memories of me when I realized we were too dangerous together. That we'd both go to extremes in order to stay together. A bond like that...love like that, it isn't healthy. Or safe, not for the rest of the universe.
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He can certainly identify with the Doctor's reaction, but on a scale that he can only assume is vastly smaller. He hurt and even killed people to keep Law safe, but imagining the universe in all its entirety to be put under threat by a single person desperate to save someone he loves is... difficult in a way he can't put words to. It sounds mythical. The dangers of a god who falls in love with a human.
Though he keeps one hand around Clara's, he raises the other to run it through his bangs with a sigh.]
I don't know many people who would have the strength to make a sacrifice like that. It's hard for me to even grasp the scale of it. I'm so sorry, though.