[Ah, damn. He hadn't meant to upset her more, he'd hoped to help her reflect on the possibility of a positive outcome. But for a man like him, with centuries of life beyond anything they've ever seen, maybe his regrets and joys and sorrows are all the sort of thing they might not quite comprehend. Or, well, who knows. He can't really even guess.
He squeezes Clara's hand in his. It's only a mild sort of sting, tolerable enough to push through and remind her that at least they still have each other. And then he frowns up at the sky before drooping his other arm across his eyes. He can tell he's going to cry too if he talks too much on any of these topics, but she shouldn't suffer alone.]
Law said he wanted to make sure I... That we both escaped together. He didn't really go into the details of what he had planned to make that happen. That guy's always finding a way to make me worry about him.
[She's grateful for the comfort he provides, and realizes that maybe she hasn't let herself be open and vulnerable around him before. She's tried so hard to be strong and seem capable in front of him, and probably comes across as so weak right now. But he doesn't make a big deal out of it, and that's enough to feel a little weight come off her shoulders.]
People like us, we're always gonna worry about everyone we care about.
[Pausing, she lets a few tears fall, and turns her head so she can look at him. There isn't any shame in crying, she reminds herself.]
[He frowns, then lifts his arm just enough to turn his head and look at her as well. It's a gentle sort of frown - one out of concern, likewise, for her.]
I got more time with him than I would have otherwise. I know he lived, and grew up. That's worth a lot to me.
[Doesn't even encapsulate a fraction of the thoughts in his head, but if he goes on at length he definitely will start crying, and he's going to try and hold off at least a few seconds longer. For someone so good at controlling the emotions he shows most of the time, he sure does get overwhelmed by them easily when they're this strong, but he has to try.]
[She knows there's really no amount of comfort she can try to provide him right now that won't feel empty and meaningless. Loss is something that everyone has to sort through in their own way.]
I don't know how things end for the Doctor. Not the one that left, anyway.
[And that's the heartbreaking part, she thinks. The not knowing. Did he leave knowing how much she cares for him? How loved he is? Does he know what a good man he's capable of being?]
And I suppose with the way things will end up going between the two of us back home, it's for the best he doesn't stay here any longer than he did.
[Maybe if she says that out loud enough times, she'll start to believe it. Her tears say otherwise, though.]
[She almost deflects, like she would've so many other times in the past. But she likes to think he's a good friend by now, someone she can trust. It's okay to show some weakness here. He's not going to take advantage of anything.]
I die, and the Doctor goes against everything he stands for to save me.
[the truth is accompanied by a tiny shrug, and she can't bring herself to look up and over at him.]
I have to block his memories of me when I realized we were too dangerous together. That we'd both go to extremes in order to stay together. A bond like that...love like that, it isn't healthy. Or safe, not for the rest of the universe.
[That actually gives him a chill. It ripples down his spine. There's still a lot he doesn't know about the Doctor, because the man hides so much so well, and so all he can do is imagine what kind of ferocity he's capable of in such a circumstance.
He can certainly identify with the Doctor's reaction, but on a scale that he can only assume is vastly smaller. He hurt and even killed people to keep Law safe, but imagining the universe in all its entirety to be put under threat by a single person desperate to save someone he loves is... difficult in a way he can't put words to. It sounds mythical. The dangers of a god who falls in love with a human.
Though he keeps one hand around Clara's, he raises the other to run it through his bangs with a sigh.]
I don't know many people who would have the strength to make a sacrifice like that. It's hard for me to even grasp the scale of it. I'm so sorry, though.
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He squeezes Clara's hand in his. It's only a mild sort of sting, tolerable enough to push through and remind her that at least they still have each other. And then he frowns up at the sky before drooping his other arm across his eyes. He can tell he's going to cry too if he talks too much on any of these topics, but she shouldn't suffer alone.]
Law said he wanted to make sure I... That we both escaped together. He didn't really go into the details of what he had planned to make that happen. That guy's always finding a way to make me worry about him.
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People like us, we're always gonna worry about everyone we care about.
[Pausing, she lets a few tears fall, and turns her head so she can look at him. There isn't any shame in crying, she reminds herself.]
And right now, I'm worried about you.
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[He frowns, then lifts his arm just enough to turn his head and look at her as well. It's a gentle sort of frown - one out of concern, likewise, for her.]
I got more time with him than I would have otherwise. I know he lived, and grew up. That's worth a lot to me.
[Doesn't even encapsulate a fraction of the thoughts in his head, but if he goes on at length he definitely will start crying, and he's going to try and hold off at least a few seconds longer. For someone so good at controlling the emotions he shows most of the time, he sure does get overwhelmed by them easily when they're this strong, but he has to try.]
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I don't know how things end for the Doctor. Not the one that left, anyway.
[And that's the heartbreaking part, she thinks. The not knowing. Did he leave knowing how much she cares for him? How loved he is? Does he know what a good man he's capable of being?]
And I suppose with the way things will end up going between the two of us back home, it's for the best he doesn't stay here any longer than he did.
[Maybe if she says that out loud enough times, she'll start to believe it. Her tears say otherwise, though.]
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[They must be quite the sight, crying in a heap here. He turns onto his side to face her and squeezes her hand.]
Is it all right if I ask what happens at home?
[Not that he'll be able to do anything about it, but maybe he can try and help her come to terms with it.]
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I die, and the Doctor goes against everything he stands for to save me.
[the truth is accompanied by a tiny shrug, and she can't bring herself to look up and over at him.]
I have to block his memories of me when I realized we were too dangerous together. That we'd both go to extremes in order to stay together. A bond like that...love like that, it isn't healthy. Or safe, not for the rest of the universe.
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He can certainly identify with the Doctor's reaction, but on a scale that he can only assume is vastly smaller. He hurt and even killed people to keep Law safe, but imagining the universe in all its entirety to be put under threat by a single person desperate to save someone he loves is... difficult in a way he can't put words to. It sounds mythical. The dangers of a god who falls in love with a human.
Though he keeps one hand around Clara's, he raises the other to run it through his bangs with a sigh.]
I don't know many people who would have the strength to make a sacrifice like that. It's hard for me to even grasp the scale of it. I'm so sorry, though.